The Secret Power of Introverted Funeral...

The Secret Power of Introverted Funeral Professionals

Happy World Introvert Day! Since 2011 World Introvert Day (January 2) provides an opportunity for people to better understand and appreciate introverts, who make up about one-third to one-half of Americans, depending on which study you consult, according to our marketing team's most recent book club read, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain.

Whether you're an introvert yourself or you work with one, we felt there were many valuable insights funeral professionals could use to improve how you work with yourself, your client families and your colleagues.

Observing the Observers: How introverts work

While it's easy to assume someone who doesn't talk as much in a conversation or meeting as disengaged, this couldn't be further from the truth for introverts. Where their extroverted counterparts tend to voice their thoughts immediately, introverts are thinkers, feelers and observers. That's because they tend to be highly sensitive to their environment.

"[Introverts] … process information about their environments - both physical and emotional - unusually deeply. They tend to notice subtleties that others miss - another person's shift in mood, say, or a lightbulb burning a touch too brightly," Cain writes.

In multiple studies conducted both with children from infancy to adolescence and with adults, researchers found "high-reactive" children and highly sensitive adults share a common trait: an excitable amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for processing emotions and detecting danger. They are literally more sensitive to stimuli, making them more careful and reserved.

"The highly sensitive tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation … They dislike small talk. They often describe themselves as creative or intuitive," Cain shares. "They feel exceptionally strong emotions - sometimes acute bouts of joy but also sorrow, melancholy and fear."

Not all highly sensitive people are introverts, though. About 70% are, but the remaining 30% who are extroverts tend to report needing more downtime and solitude than their peers.

Working With Introverts in Client Family Relationships

Now that you know some of the telltale traits of an introvert, how can you best cater to and care for one who's part of a grieving client family?

Highly sensitive people typically arrange their lives in ways that limit surprises, making unexpected events like the loss of a loved one, especially stressful and challenging. Keep in mind, they're often sensitive to sights, sounds, smells and pain. While making the client family comfortable during funeral proceedings is likely already a priority for you, consider the environmental stimuli in the spaces where you meet with them. Is the lighting harsh or too bright? Is the seating comfortable? Is there a lot of visual stimuli that may feel overwhelming? These things can be addressed before meeting with the family.

During meetings, pay attention to family members and loved ones who are talking the most and those who remain silent. Remember, just because someone isn't talking doesn't mean they don't have things to share. Make a point to specifically ask these people for their input so they're not drowned out by the loudest and most frequent voices.

Funeral professionals can also take a page out of the introverts' book: Use silence as a tool. While our natural inclination is to fill silence, moments of quiet are important for reflection during funeral proceedings. For many people, their quiet is often strength; it's fortifying their minds as they process difficult emotions.

Tips for Introverted Funeral Professionals

What if you - the funeral professional - are the introvert? While we don't have the data to back it up, we wouldn't be surprised to learn that many funeral professionals are introverts themselves. In your position, you often serve as a caregiver in many respects, a role that demands empathy and sensitivity. Introverts don't shy away from deeper topics others may consider to be taboo, making them strong candidates for funeral professionals guiding people through grief or helping people with their own preplanning.

Many funeral professional duties, however, require an extrovert flair: acting as a mediator, hosting visitations and funerals, providing direction and guidance for grieving families and speaking engagements. For an introvert in the funeral profession, stretching yourself beyond your natural inclination can feel taxing.

According to Susan Cain, this experience is common. In "Quiet," she shares that we can stretch our personalities to work beyond our temperament, but only to a point - like stretching a rubber band.

In this vein, Harvard University professor Brian Little created the Free Trait Theory: the idea that we are born and culturally endowed with certain personality traits, but we can and do act out of character in service of our "core personal projects." Basically, introverts are capable of acting like extroverts for the sake of work they consider important, people they love or things they value highly.

We know for many in the funeral profession, your role feels like a calling, so it makes sense that introverted funeral professionals don't feel a misalignment when your work requires you to act outside your innate personality traits. However, doing so too frequently can be detrimental not only mentally and emotionally, but it can have physical consequences, too. Acting out of character for too long causes increased emotional labor, which is associated with stress, burnout, even an increase in cardiovascular disease.

Damon Wenig, an unexpected, self-identifying introvert and Director of Partner Marketing at Homesteaders Life Company, formerly operated his family's funeral homes in Wisconsin prior to joining Homesteaders. He recalls many instances of quickly pivoting from more introverted tasks like working in the prep room to "wearing his extrovert hat" to lead funeral services or tend to the tasks of business leadership.

"When I would be called upon to serve in an extroverted role repeatedly within a short period of time, it would drain me," Wenig says. "My dad, on the other hand, was fueled by it. He drew energy from spending time with people whereas I needed time to recharge afterward."

For introverts and extroverts alike, it's important to create "restorative niches" in your daily life, a place - mental or physical - you can go to return to your true self. Examples for introverts could be practicing yoga or meditation, canceling social plans before a big week at work, taking a walk or allowing yourself time to work in solitude.

A good way to ensure you're not acting out of character too often and avoiding burnout is to create a Free Trait Agreement with your boss, coworkers, partner, etc. In the agreement, you acknowledge that we are required to act out of character sometimes in exchange for being ourselves the rest of the time. In funeral service, maybe this means allowing introverted employees to spend more of their time attending to details in the prep room or doing administrative work and only lead funerals as needed. For extroverts, it's allowing them to use their time serving as a lead funeral director, taking on speaking engagements like community presentations and acting as a face for the funeral home.

Lessons in Quiet Leadership

Many people believe strong leaders to be the ones who command a room, make decisions confidently and take action. This is largely due to the Extrovert Ideal which American society adopted during the beginning of the 20^th century, coinciding with the urbanization of the country. It was during this time when the idea that "the business of America is business" emerged, as well. Importance shifted from a person's character (how they acted in private) to their personality (how they presented themselves). The better you carried yourself in a social setting, the more competent you were perceived.

We tend to consider extroverts or "talkers" as smarter, better looking and more likeable, even more so if you talk quickly. However, research suggests no such link between extroversion and intelligence. We also see extroverts as leaders; the more someone talks, the more attention they command and the more social power or influence they're given. However, many of the most esteemed thought leaders and successful CEOs - like Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Rosa Parks and Steve Wozniak - are introverts. Society underestimates the power of quiet leadership.

"We don't need giant personalities to transform companies," Cain writes. "We need leaders who build not their own egos but the institutions they run."

So, what sets introverted leaders apart? They do what comes naturally: leveraging their emotional intelligence, listening to others, knowing their team's strengths and delegating work to those best equipped for it. Sometimes this means letting someone else take charge of the most interesting, meaningful or important tasks.

There are many ways extroverted leaders can create an optimal work environment for introverted employees, too. As mentioned in the previous section, creating Free Trait Agreements that allow employees to work in accordance with their natural inclinations rather than against the grain can help make work more efficient. Despite workplace trends toward collaboration, introverts often thrive working independently. Solitude can be the catalyst for innovation and concentrates the mind on the task at hand, which is especially important for someone paying close attention to detail while working in the prep room, for example.

Lastly, it's crucial for leaders to remember this: Not everyone aspires to be a leader in the conventional sense of the word.

"Some people wish to fit harmoniously into the group, and others to be independent of it," Cain writes.

While professional development is important, it doesn't necessitate vertical mobility. The solitude introverts enjoy allows for deliberate practice - the act of identifying the tasks or knowledge just out of reach, striving to upgrade their performance, monitoring their progress and revising accordingly. This is how expertise is developed, and excelling at one's role is just as important as leading others.

We'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences! Consider these questions and share your insights in the comments below:

• What strategies have you found effective when working with introverted colleagues or client families?
• If you're an introverted funeral professional, how do you create restorative niches in your workday?
• Have you observed moments where introverted traits have been a strength in your team or workplace? Share your story!
• What steps can you take as a leader to better support introverted team members or create a balance for yourself?