Reflections from the Road: I Never Thought I'd Be a Hat Person

I never thought I'd be a hat person.

Honestly, I still kind of laugh when I say that out loud because, for most of my life, I just wasn't. I was always someone who felt like I needed to be polished before I walked out the door. If I was going somewhere, I did my hair. That's just who I thought I was. I think I get it from my mom.

Then, somehow, without really noticing, that started to change.

It wasn't because I decided I wanted to wear hats. It wasn't a New Year's resolution or some big life change. It just kind of... happened.

My husband wears hats when he is not working most days.

My best friend wears hats most weekend days.

At one point, my best friend even told me I should try wearing one.

I remember thinking, "Oh, um... hmmm... those are not for me."

I have probably told her multiple times that I am not a hat person.

Then one day, I started golfing.

It seemed like everyone on the golf course wore hats when they golfed.

I didn't even own a hat. One day, a friend who was a business owner, gifted me with a hat with her branding on it.

Because I am a champion for the small business owner, and especially female business owner, I started wearing that specific hat every time I golfed.

It kept the sun out of my eyes, it was black - my favorite color - and I really liked their logo. It had neon green in it and green is my favorite color.

Little by little, wearing that hat became normal to me.

Now years later, I still don't know if I would have called myself a hat person even a couple months ago. I don't even know where that first hat is today; maybe sitting under the pile of hats that my husband has in our closet.

I think at one point, my husband decided he liked that hat and it became his.

Two Saturday mornings ago, in a DoubleTree hotel in Minneapolis, I had the epiphany. I realized I was a hat person. It came out of nowhere.

I was getting ready for the day. We were attending a casual family gathering on my husbands side, and honestly, I just didn't feel like doing my hair.

I remember standing in front of the mirror looking at myself thinking that by the time I actually started doing my hair, I may as well put this hat on because I was stalling and it wasn't getting done.

I had this sense of relief. I knew by now that I could wear this hat and look polished, and even intentional, but do so little. What a concept!

I knew if I wore the hat, some might think I was a golfer. In many circles, you get clout for that. Not that I care, but knowing is enough to not to have to wrangle my bushy, curly, afro-like mess of a hair on a weekend.

It's nothing fancy. Just a simple black hat that I found in a bargain bin for five dollars. I've bought other hats since then -even the exact same one in white -but I still only wear the black one. It's comfortable. It goes with everything. It just feels like me. It's chic!

So I put on the hat.

Then, I looked back in the mirror.

And that's when it hit me.

Wait...

I'm a hat person? I am a hat person.

I am a HAT PERSON!

I realized how natural it felt to wear this hat and also that I felt good in it.

This was the first time I identified as one. A hat person.

It seems silly, doesn't it?

It's just a hat.

The more I've thought about it, the more I think it has very little to do with hats.

It has everything to do with how we grow. That it feels good to enjoy new things. Come around to new experiences.

Most of us don't wake up one morning and decide to become a different person.

We don't suddenly become more confident, more open-minded, better leaders, or better listeners.

We become those things little by little.

Over several small conversations, interactions with you best friend, days spent running errands with your husband.

One small interaction at a time.

Sometimes we don't even realize we're changing until something ordinary -like standing in front of a hotel mirror -makes us stop and notice.

So naturally, being the introspective person I am, I had to somehow relate it to the work I do with nonprofit leaders.

(Thanks for putting up with me!)

We spend a lot of time making assumptions. We hear stories about funders before we've ever met them. We hear that a board member is difficult before we've had a conversation with them ourselves. We assume another nonprofit isn't interested in partnering. We decide a community won't support an idea before we've even asked.

Sometimes those assumptions come from experience.

Many times, they come from someone else's experience. From heresy and gossip. Someone else's opinion. Someone else's story.

I am not the exception. I do it too.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how important it is to let our own experiences shape our opinions.

That it is important to stay curious and give people the benefit of the doubt.

To remember that people are inherently good and not perfect. That the nature of people is to do the best they can, take care of the ones they love the most before others, and that we are all just human and doing the best we can.

Real connection happens when we are willing to stay open-minded long enough for new experiences to reshape how we see new and old acquaintances -and sometimes -even ourselves.

What my $5 hat has taught me

1. Growth usually happens before we notice it.

I never woke up and decided to become a hat person. One day I just realized... I already was. The biggest changes in our lives usually don't happen all at once. They happen one small decision, one conversation, one experience at a time.

How can you open yourself up to finding new growth in small ways that might surprise you in your life?

2. The people around us shape us more than we realize.

My husband wears hats. My best friend wears hats. The people I golf with wear hats. None of them ever tried to convince me. Eventually something happened that encouraged me to wear a hat. Over time, I wore hats more often. Then eventually golfed more, wore them on the weekend, and then happened upon a favorite that made me feel good. BAM! Hat person!

We are the sum of the people we hang out with the most and the experiences we allow ourselves to try.

That's true in life and leadership. The people we spend the most time with quietly influence who we become. Choose wisely and be brave!

3. Assumptions aren't the same as experience.

For years, I assumed hats just weren't "me." Not because I'd really tried them -I had simply decided they didn't fit who I was. I wonder how often we do the same thing with funders, board members, other nonprofits, or even people in our own communities. Sometimes we're carrying around someone else's story instead of creating our own.

How many times have you let other peoples opinions dictate how you treat someone new? How you perceive a new experience?

Choosing to make your own opinions based on your own experiences makes you a better leader than those that are just being agreeable or lazy in going with the popular opinion. Be bold! Be kind.

4. Curiosity creates connection.

The best relationships I've built haven't started because we agreed on everything. They started because someone was willing to ask a question instead of making an assumption. That's true with friends, with funders, with partners, and with the communities we serve.

The more you can relax and be yourself with those you meet, the more transparency you can provide... the better the result. No one wants to be friends with a know it all. Everyone wants to be friends with people that are genuinely interested in what is important to others.

Genuine connection comes from finding commonality and you can do this with every human being, regardless of who this person is and what they stand for.

5. Leadership isn't about wearing every hat. It's about finding the ones that fit.

I think this is the largest lesson of all.

We joke all the time that nonprofit leaders wear a lot of hats. We do! No one is going to deny that, but maybe it is time we stop using this phrase as a way to identify with other nonprofit leaders and colleagues.

You cannot run an organization or do a job well if you are carrying too much. I wonder sometimes how hard we advocate for ourselves in our positions.

Rather than continue to act as though it is normal to wear all the hats, maybe the conversation should be about how it is not possible.

I don't think good leadership is about wearing all the hats. Maybe it's about growing into the ones that fit who we are and the impact we're trying to make. I definitely think it is about choosing which are serving us and which we need to throw in the junk pile.

I have donate a lot of hats this year. I have one kept a few and wear them consistently.

If you have been circling on something that is not serving you, take this as a sign to have the confidence to leave it behind you.

The greatest leaders IMHO are willing to stay curious, want to stay connected to others, and force themselves to keep learning.

They do not posture to make others feel inferior or less than. They bolster others above themselves.

They choose to lean into what serves them and those that they serve, and they fiercely protect the "hats" that fit.

They might identify as a hat person, but refuse to wear every hat or act as though we should let that be the norm, and they do not feel bad or insecure about it.

Find your favorite hat or hats. Feel good about wearing the ones you love and be fiercely opposed to wearing the ones that are no serving you.

Tipping my hat to all of you,

Kayla