“Holiday Harmony: How the ‘Christmas Tree Effect’ Keeps Couples Dispute-Free”

For many couples, the year's end doesn't bring peace, but rather exacerbates underlying strains and conflicts. The holidays, often idealized, actually concentrate a significant amount of marital tension. "They bring together everything that pressures a relationship: lack of time, family, finances, and symbolic expectations," explains Aurore Berbudeau. Existing relationship vulnerabilities don't vanish; they become more apparent and challenging to overlook. "I've seen countless couples who, right after the holidays, go through a crisis or begin therapy. It's not that this time creates the weaknesses; it merely exposes what has been suppressed for too long," the expert reveals.

Day-to-day imbalances become more pronounced. Who handles the planning, who makes compromises, who suppresses their frustrations to avoid conflict? "In most cases, it's the women," observes Aurore Berbudeau. Christmas then acts as a spotlight on the unspoken issues within a couple. Amidst the meals and reunions, strong emotional expectations resurface. In this scenario, trying too hard can be counterproductive. "We try to prove something: that we're a good partner, that the relationship is fine, that we fit an ideal image. Love becomes a performance: the pressure builds up."

Every action then becomes a silent assessment: is he as invested as I am? Does she see my efforts? "We're no longer sharing, we're keeping score. And we lose the very essence of what the holidays should be about," adds the therapist. This is where the Christmas tree effect comes into play. Coined by American journalist David Epstein and popularized by psychology professor Gary W. Lewandowski, the "Christmas tree effect" applies the "less is more" philosophy to romantic relationships. The author uses the example of a Christmas tree, which loses harmony when overly decorated. By trying to cover its flaws with more tinsel and lights, it becomes overloaded. According to him, our relationships function similarly: too many expectations, too much effort, or too many implicit rules can suffocate the bond. In Psychology Today, the researcher explains that, like a Christmas tree, relationships benefit from simplification. By removing the unnecessary (unneeded obligations, unrealistic standards, the pressure to perform well), we make more room for what truly matters: connection, presence, and authenticity.

To end the year without stress or tension with your partner, the solution is simple: learn to say "no." Decline some invitations, let go of exhausting traditions or habits that no longer make sense. Not out of selfishness, but to conserve the couple's energy. Breaking free from the myth of the "ideal Christmas" also helps create holidays that are more in tune with reality. This way, you can enjoy time with loved ones, manage more challenging relationships when necessary, and set boundaries on time or context to then reconnect as a couple.

Doing less is not about giving up, but about preserving. "Fewer events allow for more genuine presence. Fewer obligations leave more room to support and relax together. Simplifying the holidays isn't a luxury: it's a practical way to protect the foundation of the relationship," explains Aurore Berbudeau. We reconnect with what's essential, focusing on what truly brings us joy. Don't hesitate to discuss expectations, desires, and consider what is really important this year. "Maybe it's not about having a three-day Christmas without any time for ourselves."