Lori The Kidnapper and the Cognitive Model

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Dr. Steven Vensel, associate professor of counseling at Palm Beach Atlantic University (PBA), shares a story of how he has used practical tools to support his mental well-being. In this reflection, he shares a surprising and memorable story to illustrate that although we cannot always change our circumstances or feelings, we can change how we think about things.

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Lori The Kidnapper and the Cognitive Model

When I was 16 years old and in love as only a 16-year-old can be, my heart was broken by Lori, the love of my life. She was forbidden fruit for me as my parents did not approve of me seeing anyone who lived in a trailer park. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and I was able to sneak away a few times to be with her.

One day, I called Lori, and her father answered the phone. After identifying myself he asked, rather sternly, "Where is she?" I replied with, "I'm calling so I'm hoping she's there." He then proceeded to tell me that Lori had run off with two boys in the trailer park and hadn't been heard from in days. A few days later I called him to see if there was any news. There was.

Lori and friends had made it to Kentucky and when their car broke down, they hitched a ride. The gentleman who picked them up took them as far as he could and when he pulled over to drop them off, one of the boys pulled a knife on him and told him to keep driving, which he did. They crossed the state line into West Virginia and immediately, and officially, became kidnappers. They were all eventually arrested, tried and found guilty of kidnapping. Lori was sentenced to several years in a juvenile detention center. This made it very hard on our relationship.

As a 16-year-old can do so well, I became depressed and super mopey. Lucky for me, I had a very strong and supportive friend group. One day at the lockers, Kim (way out of my league, but a very good friend) exclaimed I was late for an exam to which I replied, "Who cares?" She grabbed me by the shoulder, spun me around, stuck a finger in my face, and said, "Listen up buddy, this isn't the Steve we know and it's not the Steve we like. You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and make a decision to move on!" It was a life-changing moment. I had a choice about how I thought about LTK. I could accept what had happened or hold onto the sorrow and self-pity. That moment with Kim was transformative.

As a mental health professional, the Cognitive Model is one of the most powerful tools we have in helping people. Cognitions are our thoughts, beliefs, conclusions, interpretations, and opinions about our circumstances. Cognitive theory states that we can't change our circumstances, and we can't directly change our feelings, but we can change our cognitions. We can change how we think about things.

And it was true. Whenever I thought about LTK, I moved my thoughts to something else, which allowed the loss to become part of life-lessons learned. There are lots of things you can think about. Something that provided me with a great sense of comfort and hopefulness was Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Isn't that wonderful? That was a verse I often reflected on when I had a LTK attack.

So, if you find yourself in painful circumstances, begin to practice modifying and controlling your thoughts and beliefs. It will help and you might just find some comfort in another kind of relationship along the way.

Dr. Steven Vensel began his career in youth ministry with Miami Youth for Christ. Seeing firsthand the need for professional counseling, he became a licensed clinical social worker and provided clinical care at the Children's Psychiatric Center, eventually becoming the clinic director. Dr. Vensel directed a large Christian counseling practice for ten years, which allowed him to integrate biblical truth and concepts into professional practice. He became a Florida state-qualified supervisor across all three of the graduate counseling disciplines: marriage & family therapy, mental health counseling, and clinical social work.