Sleep Divorce: What Are the Benefits for Couples

Many people think that being in a relationship means sharing a bed, even when it means compromising on your sleep. But that's not necessarily true; for many couples, sleeping in separate beds or even separate rooms can solve sleep challenges-possibly even relationships-making everyone happier and healthier.

For these people, the best situation is a sleep divorce-which has nothing to do with ending a marriage, just ending the sleep issues that go with sharing a bed with another person.

The concept of a sleeping divorce is becoming increasingly popular, particularly for couples who struggle to get good sleep. But what, exactly, is a sleep divorce? What happens when couples stop sleeping together? What are the benefits of separate beds for couples? What are the potential drawbacks? And how do you determine if a sleep divorce is the right move for you and your partnership?

Let's take a look at everything you need to know about the sleep divorce trend.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

First things first. Before we dive too deep into the idea of a sleep divorce, let's quickly define the meaning of sleep divorce.

"[Sleep divorce] refers to the practice of couples sleeping in separate beds or rooms to enhance their sleep quality," says Marissa Moore, a couples therapist and mental health consultant.

Unlike a traditional divorce, couples sleeping separately doesn't necessarily point to any serious issues with their marriage. "[A sleep divorce] doesn't imply a lack of love or connection, but rather [offers] a practical solution to ensure both partners get the rest they need," says Moore.

Why Couples Choose Sleep Divorce

Every couple is different-and their reasons for choosing a sleep divorce can vary. But generally, the couples that go the sleep-divorce route are "couples struggling with sleep issues…that significantly impact their relationship," says Nick Bach, a psychologist and CEO of Grace Psychological Services.

Though it may seem taboo, sleep divorce is quite common: According to a 2023 survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, one-third of cohabiting couples sleep in separate beds.

Reasons to try a sleep divorce can include:

• Snoring/sleep apnea. "One partner's snoring or breathing issues can severely disrupt the other's sleep," says Moore. For some couples, a snore-detecting adjustable base can address the issue, but others may opt for the quiet of a separate bedroom.

• Different sleep schedules. Whether chronotypes, shift work, caregiving duties or other needs get in the way, couples with different sleep schedules can often get better sleep in separate spaces. "If one person stays up late while the other wakes up early, it can cause disturbances," says Moore.

• Movement. "Some people move around a lot in their sleep, which can wake up their partner," says Moore. Motion-isolating beds can help absorb that motion transfer, but if not, a separate bedroom can minimize sleep disruptions.

• Different preferences. Some people sleep hot, others sleep cold. Some are light sleepers; some sleep more deeply. Some people like lots of blankets; some prefer a sheet only. Whatever your sleep preferences, if your partner's are radically different, a separate bedroom may be in order. "Disagreements over room temperature or blanket usage can lead to discomfort," says Moore. If a split king doesn't solve this, a sleep divorce might.

• Chronic conditions. Some people have chronic conditions that cause frequent overnight awakenings, which can also wake up their partner, necessitating sleep divorce.

The Benefits of Sleep Divorce

If sleep challenges are leading you to consider a sleep divorce, separate sleep quarters may provide instant benefits. "One of the main benefits of a sleep divorce is the improvement in sleep quality," says Bach.

And getting better sleep can also improve your relationship. "[W]hen couples aren't disturbed by each other's sleep habits, they tend to feel more rested and less irritable," says Bach. This can lead to decreased conflict and fewer arguments.

"Quality sleep enhances mood, energy levels and overall relationship satisfaction," says Moore.

Even better, there is a bi-directional improvement between sleep and relationship strength, so getting good sleep can enhance your relationship and vice versa.

Drawbacks of Sleep Divorce

Clearly, a sleep divorce can have serious benefits. But, depending on the situation, couples sleeping in separate rooms may also have some drawbacks.

Some of the potential downsides of a sleep divorce include:

• Emotional distance. Couples sleeping separately could lead one or both partners to feel emotional distance. "Some couples worry that sleeping apart may lead to feeling less connected or intimate," says Moore. Over time, these feelings of emotional disconnection could lead to deeper issues in the relationship, including growing apart.

• Less opportunity for interaction. For couples whose schedules necessitate a sleep divorce, not sharing a bed can mean fewer chances to interact.

• Loss of spontaneity. "Sharing a bed can lead to spontaneous moments of intimacy and closeness," says Moore. If you opt for separate beds for couples, you can miss out on that intimacy and closeness.

How To Make a Sleep Divorce Work for You

Thinking a sleep divorce might be the right fit for you and your partner? Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you're making the transition from one bed to two:

• Talk about it. If you're thinking about a sleep divorce, it's important to talk to your partner and make sure you're on the same page. "In my practice, I always encourage open communication," says Bach. (We'll jump into more tips on how to talk to your partner about a sleep divorce below.)

• Embrace the change. Despite the heavy-sounding name, sleep divorce is not a problem; it's a solution to the problem of challenging sleep. Focus on creating a comfortable sleep environment for each of you that accommodates your differences, meets your sleep needs and makes you excited about the change.

• Be intentional about connection. When you sleep in a separate bed from your partner, you may miss out on spontaneous moments of intimacy or connection, so focus on togetherness during the time you're with your partner. Put away screens or other distractions and use that time to be present. Be realistic about how it's working for you. There's no universal answer to the question, "Should couples sleep in separate bedrooms?" If you try separate quarters and it's not for you, that's OK. There are plenty of alternatives you can try to get better sleep without moving to a separate bedroom.

Talking to Your Partner About Sleeping Divorce

As mentioned, if you're thinking about a sleep divorce, it's important to be open and collaborative with your partner without frustration or accusations. This trust and honesty will help set you up for sleep success whether you sleep together or apart.

"I think it's important for partners to discuss their sleep issues without blame," says Bach. "They should focus on finding a solution that works for both."

The way you communicate about a sleep divorce depends in part on your partner's perspective and whether they agree or disagree with creating separate sleep quarters. Make sure that you listen to your partner and give them an opportunity to share their feelings and thoughts on a potential sleep divorce.

"It helps to approach the conversation with empathy and an understanding of the benefits for their well-being," says Bach.

Once you're on the same page, establish what a sleep divorce will look like in your relationship. For example, will you sleep separately every night or only in response to sleep issues (for example, when a partner is snoring)? How will you maintain intimacy and connection while sleeping in separate beds?

If you find that your partner is resistant, highlight the challenges that you're having without being accusatory toward your partner. Let them know that your sleep needs and physical sleep location in no way reflect the status of your relationship, and in order to be the best partner, you need to make sure you're getting enough high-quality rest.

The more you talk about your sleep divorce, what it means, and what you want it to look like, the easier it will be to get on the same page as your partner, and the more successful the sleep divorce will be as a result.

Alternatives You Can Try Before Opting for a Sleep Divorce

If you're not getting the sleep you need, there are options before separating your sleep spaces with a sleep divorce.

Depending on your situation-and what's preventing you from getting the rest you need-you might try:

• Masking noises: If a partner's snoring keeps you up, a white noise machine or earplugs can help you sleep more soundly. "These can help mask snoring or other noises," says Moore.

• Snoring aids: Sometimes, the best way to tackle snoring is by getting the person who snores to solve that issue. "Look into options like nasal strips, mouthguards or consulting a specialist," says Moore.

• Using an adjustable base bed: An adjustable base can not only alleviate aches and pains, it can improve overall sleep and even address snoring. "These can accommodate different sleeping positions and needs," says Moore. The TEMPUR-Ergo® ProSmart™ Base with Sleeptracker-AI® senses snoring and adjusts to minimize it.

• Upgrading to a larger bed: Many sleep issues can be solved by upgrading your mattress to one that addresses your current sleep challenges or is large enough to give you both more space.
• Using a split king: If your sleep challenges are caused by mattress preferences or a covers hot, splitting your king to have two side-by-side beds with their own firmnesses and separate covers could alleviate the issues.

• An eye mask: If your partner's late-night habits or reading disrupt your sleep, wearing a sleep mask can keep you asleep.

"[S]ometimes, simple changes like these can make a significant difference," says Bach.

How To Maintain Intimacy While Practicing Sleep Divorce?

"Physical closeness at night can strengthen intimacy, so sleeping apart might require couples to find other ways to maintain that connection," says Bach.

There are, however, plenty of ways to maintain (and strengthen!) connection and intimacy while sleeping in separate beds, including:

• Spend time in bed together. You may not sleep in the same space, but that doesn't mean you can't spend time in bed together! Whether you climb into bed in the evenings together or have leisurely mornings reading the paper side by side, plan to keep that connection apart from sleeping-you can even make dates in each other's bed.

• Schedule cuddle time. Many couples cuddle before and during sleep. So, if you're not sleeping together, it's important to be intentional about cuddle time. Prioritize physical closeness so that you maintain affection. Touch base regularly. Talk to your partner. Ask them how they're feeling and if there's anything you can do to foster more connection. Also, check in regularly about the sleep divorce; is sleeping apart working for them-and, if not, what can you do to make it work? Regular communication is key to maintaining intimacy during a sleep divorce (and a key to happy, healthy relationships in general).

Only You Can Decide if a Sleep Divorce Is Right for You

Clearly, a sleep divorce can be a great choice for couples who are struggling to get good sleep while sharing a bed with their other half. But only you and your partner can decide if a sleep divorce is the right choice for you.

"As a couple therapist, I've seen many relationships benefit from addressing sleep issues head-on," says Moore. "Whether you choose a sleep divorce or find alternatives that work, the key is open communication, empathy and a willingness to find solutions that prioritize both partners' well-being. The ultimate goal is to ensure you both get the rest you need while maintaining a strong, loving connection."

Sleep Divorce FAQs

What happens when couples stop sleeping together?

If couples are having a hard time getting sleep when sharing a bed with their partner (for example, because one partner snores), then generally, when they stop sleeping together, they're able to get better rest, which, in turn, can actually help the relationship.

What percentage of married couples sleep in separate beds?

According to a 2023 survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, one-third of cohabiting couples sleep in separate beds.

Does sleeping in separate beds lead to divorce?

Despite the nickname "sleep divorce," sleeping in separate beds in no way leads to divorce and, for many people, can strengthen a relationship. When sleeping in separate bedrooms, it's important to take extra steps to maintain connection and intimacy with your partner and invest time into your relationship.

Can sleep divorce improve your relationship?

Yes! If a sleep divorce helps you get better sleep, it can help you and your relationship.