Parents’ Survival Guide: Put Down the Phone, Leave Them Alone

This should not come as a shock, but your newly enrolled Boston University student has now gained some autonomy. Yes, they may still be on your shared family phone plan and you probably still pay for their health insurance, but they are capable of making their own doctor's appointments, speaking up when their roommate is irking them, and managing stress and disappointment. And if you are still doubting their ability to handle this "adulting" business, we've got some advice to offer.

Jason Campbell-Foster, BU's dean of students, often reassures parents during Orientation. For the past 18 years, he tells parents, they have equipped their kids with the skills, resilience, and self-awareness needed for success. And now it's time to step back and let them take the reins.

"Letting go doesn't mean disappearing or turning your back," Campbell-Foster says. "You've built the scaffolding. You can help the students find their way, you can let them know where the resources are, but you should have confidence that you've chosen a place that cares for your child, that wants them to be successful, and that will give them the space and support that they need to learn from mistakes."

We polled some experts around campus for their tips on how parents can let go and ways to help nudge your student into (gradual) adulthood.

Resist the urge to phone and text every five minutes…and tell your student to do the same

Dori Hutchinson (Sargent'85,'96), a Sargent College of Health & Rehabilitation Sciences associate clinical professor and the executive director of BU's Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation, lived in Rich Hall as a faculty-in-residence for seven years. She saw how difficult it is for many parents and students to transition. "You want to promote independence in your kid, and this is part of what college is about-developing this independent life," says Hutchinson, who is the mom of three semi-recent college grads. "Resist texting and telephoning every day. It's a hard thing to do if you're not used to it. Try to do it every couple of days, at least in the beginning."

Schedule a time to chat

Senior Maia Penzer (COM'26) says it might help to set up a scheduled time with your student so they might know when to expect your call, "maybe on a walk to or from a class or a job," she says.

Don't panic if you don't hear back right away

If your student doesn't pick up when you call or reply to your text instantly, don't assume the worst. In fact, silence is golden. If you don't hear from them for two or three days, even five days-guess what? It's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. It might be scary or unsettling for you as a parent, but it means your student is busy, active, making friends, finding their way around campus, studying, reading, exploring Boston, attending a softball, soccer, hockey, or basketball game, and just becoming independent. Which is exactly what you want. Resist the urge to reach out. They haven't lost your number. And when they need it, or they miss you, they'll use it.

Upperclass students especially can be more lackadaisical about returning a phone call or text. Penzer says many of her friends share their phone location with their parents to prevent panic-induced freak-outs. But she acknowledges that isn't the right choice for everyone.

Let your student solve their problems

Hutchinson says that while it may be tempting to pitch in, your son or daughter needs to learn how to go it alone. "Going to college is a big transition-no matter how smart your child is academically, socially, and emotionally," she says. "Parenting nowadays is about alleviating struggles, so a lot of these incoming first-years lack resiliency."

If your child seems to be calling or texting a lot, with one problem or dilemma after another, both big and small, try and encourage a little separation. Or maybe don't reply or answer right away. When you respond, listen first, and then encourage them to take charge, to advocate for themselves, and figure it out on their own.

"I always offer the advice of trusting your student. They are very smart and capable-they got into BU!" says Christy Loring, director of BU's Parent & Family Programs. "Family members have worked hard to raise such accomplished students who are indeed capable of transitioning to college life and becoming independent."

Through her job, Loring repeatedly tells parents that they can contact her office with any questions, concerns, or problems they have. "I'm here to support you and your family," she says.

This doesn't mean you can't help…sometimes

One of the ways to help your student build resiliency is to be curious, ask questions, and encourage them to use campus resources: Have you checked out this issue with your RA? Have you gone to your advisor? Have you gone to the student tutoring center? Just don't call the offices yourself looking for the answer. In fact, legally, colleges are usually not allowed to talk to parents about issues their children are having, according to the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) and the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), federal laws that govern student privacy.

If they want a therapist, great. But don't try to set it up yourself (most therapists won't let you, anyway). For those in need of more serious help, check out another installment in this series, "When to Intervene," and services offered through BU's Counseling & Psychiatric Services (CAPS).

Remember to listen and don't lecture

Avoid the urge to give unsolicited advice, even if you think you know the answer. If your student needs advice on something-like what kind of medicine to buy, or which clothes are okay to wash together-they will call you and ask.

Promote wellness strategies

Stress to your daughter or son that sleep is really important and they should try not to stay up until 2 or 3 am every night. Promote participation in dorm activities as a way to meet people. Encourage a daily routine of eating, sleeping, and activity, because this groove helps them deal with anxiety. Something as simple as remembering to carry around a Nalgene and staying hydrated has been proven to boost energy and ward off colds, which can run rampant in a dorm's tight quarters.

Stay in the know

In addition to leading a virtual Parent & Family Orientation program (comprising a Know Before You Go series), Loring's team keeps parents and families informed and involved throughout the year through the Terrier Family Network, a portal for families that also publishes regular newsletters about big campus events, deadline reminders, and wellness tips (for both you and your student).

Shameless pat on the back: BU Today is also a great place to stay informed about what's happening on campus.

Missing them? Surprise them with an actual letter

Cards or care packages are guaranteed to make your son or daughter's entire week, Penzer says. After one of her BU on Broadway performances, her dad even sent her flowers. "It was so nice," she says. It's these thoughtful gestures that remind students that while their lives are busy and full of new challenges, their families still care.

"I think a lot of parents, especially of new students, just want to know that they're going to be OK," Campbell-Foster says. "Remember: you got them ready for this, and now you can continue to be there to help cheer them on. We're also here to help them navigate that next step: self-advocacy, which is a really important part of life."

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Parents' Survival Guide: Put Down the Phone, Leave Them Alone