Insights by Cynthia Vejar

Every parent hopes their child will grow into someone who can handle life's ups and downs - someone who stays calm under pressure, adapts to change, and bounces back from setbacks. That kind of resilience begins with something simple yet powerful: learning to cope.

According to Cynthia Vejar, Director and Associate Professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College, coping isn't about avoiding problems. It's about intentionally managing life's challenges in ways that soothe and strengthen. "A coping skill is an intentional way to navigate difficulties in life," Vejar explains. "There are a range of coping strategies that people can employ, such as breathing activities when they are stressed, counting backward from 10 to 1 when they are angry, and being mindful in the present when worried."

True coping, she adds, is the opposite of avoidance. "Coping strategies are not distractions or avoidance - in fact, they are just the opposite," Vejar says. "They are the mind's way of recognizing and identifying that the person is in duress and needs to find ways to calm, soothe, or heal themselves." Practiced early, these responses help children build awareness and emotional resilience that last into adulthood.

That process begins earlier than most parents realize. When a toddler has a tantrum and a parent encourages them to "use your words," they're already learning to name emotions - "I'm mad that I have to go to bed" - and turning raw feeling into communication. "Using words is a way to shift the toddler's feeling away from a raw emotion and start the process of both conceptualizing and communicating the situation," Vejar says.

As children grow, parents can reinforce coping in simple ways: naming emotions, modeling calm, and encouraging creative or sensory outlets when stress arises. Seeing an adult take a deep breath or calmly step away from conflict teaches that big feelings can be managed, not feared. Playdough, water play, or hugging a stuffed animal can help children feel grounded in moments of distress.

These early tools evolve as kids mature. Breathing can become mindfulness; drawing or music can turn into lasting outlets for expression. Movement - dancing, walking, or playing - offers physical release. Connection is also key: talking with a friend, teacher, or family member builds empathy and belonging - essential pieces of resilience.

Vejar suggests helping children identify what works best for them with a "coping menu," a list of comforting activities or strategies. "Parents can encourage their children to give voice to their coping skills," she says. "They can ask questions like, 'What helps your body feel calm?' or, 'What makes you feel better when you're sad?' They can write these down and keep a 'coping menu' on the fridge, which can be modified as they get older."

Some coping skills endure well into adulthood because they apply everywhere. "Skills that can work across a variety of situations and can be applied regardless of context tend to stick," Vejar says. "Mindfulness, problem-solving skills, and tapping into social supports are among the most reliable." A child who learns to take deep breaths before a test can later use the same skill before a job interview or difficult conversation.

Without those foundations, young adults may find the transition to independence more stressful. "Although developing coping skills earlier in life can provide a sturdy foundation, the good news is that they can be learned at any age," Vejar says.

For parents, the goal isn't perfection - it's presence. Modeling calm under pressure, naming emotions honestly, and showing empathy matter most. "Parents don't need to be perfect models - they just need to be present and willing to support," she says. "When children see their parents tackle difficult situations and apply coping skills, they learn to address challenges in meaningful, proactive ways rather than through avoidance."

Coping isn't just about getting through hard times - it's about preparing for them. When children learn to pause, reflect, and reach out for support, they carry those habits into adulthood. The result is a young adult who understands that while life's challenges are inevitable, they are also manageable - one breath, one conversation, and one coping skill at a time.